I'll call the baby Karen (not her real name), and I'll call the adoptive couple Martha and Jan. Yes, they are both women; If you have a problem with that then you need to find a new religion. Anyways, Karen is absolutely gorgeous! You know, it's not just the birth mom who sees the miracle of her newborn, and is tempted to recant. Sometimes it's the grandparent. Wendy is tempted; really tempted. I can hear it in her voice. "She's so beautiful. Eyes wide open, and not a fuss in her." We dream about a normal child, like our birth daughter Elizabeth, who is so easy to raise. When I said I wanted six kids, I meant six of these. Someone who says she loves us, instead of telling us to go to hell (and worse) on a daily basis. Someone without monsterous disorders. Wouldn't it be wonderful to raise an emotionally healthy child, with love and love returned, from start to finish? Maybe we could do it. Maybe it would work out. But we're 48, and disabled, and presently unemployed; and we still have miles to go with John and Mary. So we must push this temptation aside. I can certainly see where a 17 year old, who really should not be a parent in our 21st century world, would find it nearly impossible to resist the evolutionary song of the Siren.
Indeed, we all go through two weeks of hell as Mary steers her ship toward that very island. She thrashes about like a fish out of water, desperately trying to find a way to raise this child; and never mind about Martha and Jan. Mary is in such pain, such longing, that she will do anything to ease her depression. The weekly visits help for a while, but then, when Karen leaves, the pain is worse. Mary says she can go to school from 7 to 3, and work from 3 to 9 (to pay for Karen's expenses), and do homework from 9 to 11, and somehow get enough sleep, with a newborn baby in her room, to get up the next day and start all over again. Her friends' parents will watch Karen from 7 AM to 9 PM, 5 days a week, for free. "I can make this work. I can raise my baby. All you have to do is pay my expenses, which you're already doing." Anyone reading this can see how ridiculous this plan is. The free babysitting services will evaporate within a few weeks, if they exist at all, and Mary can barely get up for school as it is, without 6 hours of minimum wage work in the evening and a crying baby at night. And she's not an honor roll student; she would never pass her classes under this schedule. The plan is so absurd, I really have to bite my tongue and tread carefully. fortunately, something brings Mary back around to reality. Perhaps it is our words of wisdom (which she has often ignored in the past), or perhaps her own rationality. In any case, she decides once again to proceed with the adoption and return to her station in life as a high school student, which is where she needs to be right now. We all heave a sigh of relief, especially Martha and Jan, who have already bonded with this beautiful baby.
And yet, there is something surreal about the whole experience. She still leaves dishes in the family room, and she still thinks her high school friend, who just got out of juvie, knows much more about life than we do. She acts like a quantum particle without a definite state. Sometimes she is a wise adult, and sometimes she returns to (in the words of the Who) "teen-age wasteland".
She visits Karen and the adoptive parents on Saturday, the day after the hearing, and I think that helps her a lot. Martha and Jan are willing, even eager, to include her in their new family, even after she signed the form; even after they have no compelling reason to do so. They said they would, and they will. Period. Mary, Martha, and Jan will come to trust each other over the years, and I'm sure their relationship will be as close as any extended family. This is one story that has a happy ending/beginning.
I think it is no coincidence that Mary selected a lesbian couple. They are use to living an unorthodox lifestyle, and that is precisely what we were looking for. They wrote in their profile, before they ever met Mary, that they wanted the birth mom to be a part of the child's life, and a part of their lives. They wanted regular visits and a close relationship. Perhaps another couple would have tolerated such openness, grudgingly, for a short time, before going back to pictures once a year; but this couple really wants their baby to have a "third mom". I told Mary, back in March, that she could find people like this on the east coast, or the west coast, but it would be difficult to find a couple with this mindset here in Michigan. Well here they are, and I don't know if Mary would have been willing to place her baby with anyone else.
I want to reward Mary for her courage, so I take her to Olive Garden. It's been a week since her gall bladder surgery, and she is just about back to normal. "Cheese!" she declares, as she orders chicken alfredo. "Real cheese - not that low fat stuff!" She is in heaven. I want to share in her joy, but my thoughts are consumed with worry, the most insidious of all emotions. I really can't afford to take my family out to a nice restaurant, with my paychecks coming to an end, and my IRA down by 50%, and my house down by 30%. I'm so glad the "fundamentals of our economy are sound." God help us if we are stupid enough to vote republican for a third term, especially when we have such an intelligent and inspiring candidate on the other side of the ballot. But you never know how uninformed Americans, who get their information from TV sound bites, are going to vote. Sarah Palin, a heartbeat away from nuclear weapons - that should frighten any sane man.
Where is John in all this? Not well. He started out strong, going to school every day, and actually doing the work in at least some of his classes. But he's lost interest, and like last year, he only goes to school when he feels like it. That is not a recipe for success. At home, he seems bolder than ever. He swears all day long, and is utterly disrespectful and defiant. I don't think this is a food reaction, I think he is worried about Mary and all she is going through, and he's tired of school, and of life, which seems to offer him nothing. I think he should quit school and work for a while. (This coming from someone who has two masters degrees.) He needs to succeed at something, even if it is a minimum wage job. He needs to earn his own money, and buy some of the things he wants through his own hand. Will he return to high school, or get is GED? Probably. He's smart. But he won't do any of these things if he doesn't succeed at something soon.